When you know that change is afoot and feel weary about it…
This picture was taken of Cheetos just before her giving birth. In this moment she was feeling very unsettled about the whole giving birth and also the becoming a mother thing. She would often come to me venting, peeping and meowing anxiously. This had started a few days before her kitten was born and would last till some days after the event.
Cats dislike change, and so do we humans. Yet it is a principle of life that things cannot stay the same. There is this ever-going balancing act between peace and stability on the one side (Sephirah 4- Chesed on the Qabalistic Tree of Life) and chaos, disruption, conflict (Sephirah 5- Geburah on the Qabalistic Tree of Life) on the other side. The forces of the latter, no matter how destructive they may seem, are necessary. Without change we would stagnate, stop evolving and growing.
It just needs to think of a butterfly. If it would have resisted spinning a cocoon for itself it would have remained forever a caterpillar. Change strips those things of us that no longer serve us. Change pinches us, provokes us, gets us out of our comfort zone, so we do what we otherwise might avoid, dread or keep postpone. Change can even help us heal past wounds.
Cheetos let out another sudden cry and withdrew to her nest of choice, our box with diving tools. Not long after that Baby Luno was there. He turned out to be the cutest tiniest loveliest gray-black-striped and dotted kitten ever born. He had a waning crescent sign on his forehead, hence the name. I will always cherish sharing these first moments with my dearest cat-sister, witnessing, sensing the endless, unconditional love she showed for her child. Unimaginable, you will imagine, was my sadness when realizing there was another kitten which had not lived.
Finding this dead baby kitten was not long after we had unwantedly parted from Elf. Elf was a street kitten we had taken in and who had had a shocking car accident some weeks earlier. We were devastated and I have shed many a tear for her. These two events each at their time threw me in the dark, needing to face many different emotions. And luckily by now I am aware how important it is to surrender to such moments.
As much as we humans often resist change, or even fear it, we also resist embracing accompanying emotions. When it comes to death in particular we are taught to be strong, mind you to read: we are expected to move on at some point, enough grieving done. We are unaware that unexpressed grief can creep up inside us, causing depression and even bitterness.
It had taken me years before starting to come at peace with old wounds. While grieving for these dear little animals old pain for others long gone got stirred up. Childhood emotions fused with recent feelings. As by miracle little by little clouds cleared up and I started experiencing a certain lightness I had not felt for a while. It felt as if I had undergone an inner cleansing and was able to feel renewed and intensified happiness and joy. It was then I realized the hidden treasure within all sadness of past events.
A few days later Cheetos seemed more settled and balanced too. She had now embraced motherhood !